Apologies

Sorry for the lack of posts recently! I just don't know what to post. I should've called my blog Forever De-JAY-ed because my posts seem to be forever delayed! I have several drafts in the works so hopefully I'll get something up soon!

It's Getting Colder...

I love the winter. It's good for photography, the grass begins to glisten every morning, and it gives me an excuse to wear my National Geographic fleece jackets! To quote Manic Street Preachers, "We love the winter; it brings us closer together."

However, there is a downside to winter. PAIN. My bones ache when it gets colder and it makes everything slower. I take much longer to write and to cycle in the mornings.

And the hands...

Ugh...

At least this year I have gloves to keep at least a little feeling in my hands!

It seems as if I complain that it's too hot in the summer, then complain that it's too cold during winter!

Another downside is that I can't go on evening bike rides as it's already dark by the time I used to go on bike rides! At least I can still ride to and from school everyday. Also, I still go on bike rides at the weekend!

Thank you for reading and I hope you get through winter okay! Goodbye until next time! ~Jay

LGBT+ Club At My School

When I was in year 10, there was an LGBT+ club at my school which I went to every week. I had a lot of fun at this group and it was a wonderful place to go to for support. However, this club disappeared when I went into year 11. Now that I'm in year 12, I am allowed to set up my own club...so that's what I've  done!

With the help of a few friends, we've set the club back up! The first meeting was today!

I'm looking forward to running this club for (hopefully) the next two years. I hope that I can leave a positive impact on the young LGBT+ people at my school. Maybe it could help me, too!

Thank you for reading and goodbye until next time! ~Jay

Asexual Stories!

(Content Warning: mention of sexual coercion)

For Asexuality Awareness Week (22nd to 28th of October 2017), I asked on Instagram for those on the asexual spectrum to submit their stories to me. I wanted to do this to show how diverse the asexual community can be and to bring awareness to the experiences of ace people and those on the ace spectrum.

This first story is from an anonymous submitter!

To start off, my sexuality is Demi-Bisexual. I came to that realization about six months ago after almost a year of soul-searching. I'm out to my counselor, my old debate coach and two friends who are part of the LGBT community. I go to a Catholic high school, and it's hard to feel accepted in my faith and with my friends. But I know that what I feel is valid, and that thought keeps me going. Being on the Ace spectrum, I do feel invisible sometimes. It's not exactly easy to have to explain my sexuality to people. Being Demi, to me, means that I don't feel sexual attraction unless I've formed a strong bond with said individual. In fact, I've only felt sexual attraction once, but that's another story for another day. And, yes, Demi Lovato is one of my favorite singers 😉

The next story is from another anonymous submitter!

With the whole ace thing, I only really figured it out recently. I thought there was something wrong with me when I wasn't cool with doing things on first dates. I get a lot of dates, and I have been pressured into sex by ex boyfriends. But I am very assertive and I dealt with it. In year nine i came out as bi. It was strange, and I had a girlfriend at the time. It was only a romantic thing really. In year eleven I came out as a lesbian. But I started to realise I felt a weird attraction to my best friend, who I later fell in love with and had sex with. But it was for his pleasure only. We broke up after a while. When I started college, I looked back to everything and came to the conclusion, after seeing a post about it, that I was demisexual. But I guess homoromantic. When I moved 100 miles away from all my friends a few months ago, I met a girl and she brought to light that having dreams of having all sex characteristics of all sexes I know of frequently is a lil weird. So we talked and I discovered that I am gender queer or non binary. But I would want a penis. So I am genderqueer, demisexual, and I have a romantic and aesthetic preference for girls, and gender queer people. I have only told my tutors and a girl in my class this because I wanted them to call me by my preferred pronouns they/them/he/him literally anything but she it makes me feel a lil weird and uncomfortable. I don't know why but it's a lil weird that I'm only comfortable telling people that I'm a homo or queer person irl but it makes me cry when I try to tell people I'm ace or gender queer. Is it weird?

This third story is from @danielle.ramsay on Instagram

Being on the asexual spectrum has given me a lot of freedom in my experience of my sexuality.
I no longer feel confused or pressured to feel attracted to people, even my own partner. I do feel
attracted to my partner, but only once in a while and it only happened after a very long time of
being together. I understand why I’m uncomfortable with sex on television even if I enjoy it
myself. To me, identifying as demisexual and biromantic has allowed me to understand myself
better and be happy :)

Taylor from @us.ace.love.space on Instagram submitted this next story!

My name is Taylor, and I am an aromantic asexual. This means that I do not experience sexual attraction nor romantic attraction. I've known I was ace for about a year and a half, but I've only known I was aromantic for about six months. Before, I thought I was bisexual and then asexual and biromantic, because I misinterpreted no attraction as both attraction to girls and boys (which I've seen is actually quite common). I'm out to a few friends at school but not any of my family. Ironically, most of my friend group established prior to knowing I was ace and coming out is actually also ace or at least queer as well.

The last story is by Lani, who is also from @us.ace.love.space

I have decided since a couple weeks ago to go with the label quoiromantic because I don’t want to go with Panromantic cause idk if I’m just confused yet I don’t like Heteromantic because I do find love in people of other/no gender. And with being Christian all this is just a big mess and some days I feel like I should never looked into all of this but I always get curious of my different thoughts and feelings/emotions ah people of different/no specific gender can be so loving I don’t know what to do. I’ve known I was asexual for almost 2 years. I have came out to most of my friends as gay ace and my Mom as asexual.
I’d like to go to pride one day with my friends :) it’ll be some years before that happens sadly

Thank you to all of those who submitted stories! And thank you to everyone reading!

To everyone on the ace spectrum reading this: You're never alone and your identity is valid. There is nothing wrong with you. Happy Asexuality Awareness Week!

Goodbye until next time! ~Jay

3 Positivity Songs

There may be a lot of negativity in the world, but there's just as much positivity in the world. One of the many ways to spread positivity through the world is through music. Here are three songs that keep me feeling positive!

1. Biggie Smalls by CupcakKe

This absolutely amazing song from CupcakKe spreads the message of body positivity. CupcakKe is a truly wonderful person and I love her music. 

2. Imperfection by Evanescence

I've loved Evanescence for years now, and I'm so glad to have found out about this wonderful band. The meaning behind this song is to keep fighting and to never give up. This is such a powerful song. It's truly inspiring to listen to some of Evanescence's earlier songs (pre-Fallen) and then listen to this song. It just shows that life may seem bad now, but it can get better! And when it does get better, it's the most amazing feeling you could imagine!

3. Sick Of It by Skillet

This song gives the message to stand up for yourself and for what you believe. There were so many Skillet songs I could have chosen for this third spot! They are an incredibly empowering band, and they're such lovely people! I had the honour of being able to see them play live on the 9th of December 2017. If you ever have the chance to see them live, take it! You definitely won't regret it and you'll remember it for years to come. The band and the crowd were buzzing with positive energy the entire time. 

I hope these songs have filled you with positivity! Maybe they'll help you feel positive time and time again. I know they do that to me! Thank you for reading and goodbye until next time! ~Jay

The Gender Tag

This is a popular tag, and quite an interesting one! So, I thought I'd give it a try! 

1. How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that definition mean to you?

I identify as agender. To me, this means I don't feel that identifying as man, woman or any other gender fits me. I do wish to have a masculine appearance and I'd be more comfortable with male secondary sex characteristics. However, this doesn't make me a man. I feel like the term 'trans-masculine' fits me, due to wanting to transition to a more masculine body type. For any of you who don' know or are unsure on what 'trans-masculine' means, it means anyone who wants to or has transition(ed) to become more masculine. These people can be anywhere from 100% male trans men to demiboys/demimen* to people like me who aren't men but are happier in a body with male secondary sex characteristics.

*People who identify as men but aren't 100% men. They may fluctuate between feeling genderless and feeling male, or they may feel consistently somewhere between male and genderless (eg. they feel about 3/4 male and 1/4 almost all the time)

2. What pronouns honour you?

They/them are the most fitting for me. I'm comfortable with he/him, but it doesn't feel as fitting as they/them. I haven't found any other pronouns that I'm comfortable with.

3. Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

I wear all sorts of clothing! Mostly I buy cheap clothing (and by that, I mean low-priced) but sometimes I'll treat myself to something slightly more expensive (such as a brand new hoodie!). I usually wear t-shirts, often short-sleeved ones. Occasionally I wear a shirt or a polo shirt. I really like shirts and polo shirts! I don't have much to wear on my legs. Up until this Sunday, I only had a pair of jeans and three pairs of shorts. I also have two pairs of tracksuit bottoms, but one pair is very old and the other pair used to be part of my PE uniform! This Sunday I found a pair of vertically-striped beige trouser, which are very comfortable, for £3! They fit me (almost) perfectly and will be perfect to wear during winter. 

When it comes to colour, my clothes are very varied. I wear many shades of blue and green. I also have several camouflage items (due to my love of Manic Street Preachers) I wear light colours, medium colours, dark colours, warm colours, cool colours, all sorts of colours! I wear plenty of black and grey clothing, too. Wearing white tops is nice, but they're so easy to get dirty! I usually get a stain on a white t-shirt within thirty minutes o putting it on! 

A lot of my clothing inspiration comes from Manic Street Preachers. I have several camo tops, camo hats, camo socks, camo shorts, and a camo jacket! This is inspired from their 1994 style. I also have a leopard-print felt skirt, but I don't wear it. I'm planning on wearing it WHEN (not IF) I go to a manics concert. It was super comfy when I tried it on! I also have a t-shirt which I wrote a quote from the song 'Faster' on. I have never bought myself any manics merch shirts, but my father found two that he no longer wore and gave them to me. One of them is at least two sizes too big and has paint splashes on it, but that just makes it more fashionable...right? It kind of does suit how the band stands for working class values, though. 

4. Talk about your choices with body hair. How do you style your hair? Do you have facial hair? What do you choose to shave, or choose not to shave?

I have rather long hair -- long enough for people sitting next to me to sit on! That happened once near the start of Year 10, and I've kept growing it since then. Because of the way I style my hair, however, it doesn't always seem that way! I have a fringe cut in a way so that my hair appears to be a short length. I remember once in Year 11 (I'm currently in y12) my Biology teacher was shocked as I walked into the classroom because he thought I'd cut all of my hair off. I am considering cutting my hair of to donate to charity at the end of Year 13, but I'm not sure if I could manage parting with my long hair (no pun intended...okay, maybe slightly intended). I have nearly two years to decide though, so I don't have to make a decision any time soon! 

As for facial hair, I don't really have much. I have a very sparse mustache, but it's not hugely noticeable -- just several dark hairs. I like it, though. My eyebrows are left to do their own thing. I don't pluck or shave them, or even flatten them down when they're all over the place. 

I have shaved my legs and arms a few times in the past, because I believed the misconception that this would make the hair grow quicker/longer. I wanted longer arm and leg hair because I wanted it to keep me warm in the winter! The few times I did shave made my arms and legs sore and itchy, which wasn't great! Nowadays I don't shave any hair off of me. I only cut my fringe!

5. Talk about cosmetics. Do you choose to wear makeup? Do you paint your nails? What types of soaps and perfumes do you use if any?

I do have some black makeup, but those are for having fun with and wearing indoors. MUA do a really good black lipstick for only £1! They also do an amazing black eyeshadow for the same price! To me, makeup is more of a fun and artistic thing. Sometimes I use a contour kit I picked up at Poundland to have a practice at drag king makeup. The results aren't always superb but it's always lots of fun! I also like adding lots of glitter to my drag makeup! I absolutely adore glitter!

Right now as I am typing this, my nails are painted a glossy jet black. I love painting my nails as it can be super fun! Also, I love the shiny and sometimes sparkly results! Now that I'm in sixth form, I can wear nail polish to school if I'd like. However, I have to make sure my nail varnish doesn't clash with blue (the colour of my suit)  or whatever colour my shirt and tie are. Black is quite a safe colour as it can go with anything.

Usually I get deodorant sprays from Wilko's for 50p. They smell nice and are quite affordable. I use them sparingly though, as they are spray cans. My favourite perfume is and has been Davidoff Cool Water for years. Finally, this May, it was my birthday AND Cool Water was on sale for £12! That's quite a bit of money to spend just for me to smell nice, but it was my birthday and with how good it smell, it was worth it.

6. Have you experienced being misgendered? If so, how often?

I am almost always misgendered, really. I doubt anyone has ever looked at me and though "hey, I think they must be agender!" I have had several incidents where I've been called 'Sir' or referred to by strangers as he/him. I've also heard a young child say "I think it's a girl" as I've 

7. Do you experience dysphoria? How does that affect you?

Yes, I definitely do...Sometimes it's not that strong. I just get a bit of a "hey, that's not right. It shouldn't be like that." kind of feeling that doesn't bother me. Other times it can really bother me and I can feel very uncomfortable. Whenever it gets too bad I try different methods of coping to stop it spiraling out of control. I'd rather extend on this in a separate blog post as it's a very important issue and will need a lot of thinking over. That post will probably be a very long post, unless it's too difficult for me to write.

8. Talk about children. Are you interested in having children? Would you want to carry a child if that were an option for you? Do you want to be the primary caretaker for any children you may have?

I'm not interested in having any children of my own at all. I'm considering possibly adopting an older child at some point (12-16 year old kind of age range) I think this will be more manageable for me and won't be too much for me to cope with. Children have less chance of being adopted as they get older, so that's another incentive for me. I also would love to be able to help any of my friends who have kids in raising their children. It'd be great to be able to make sure my friends' children are surrounded by people who love and care for them.

As for carrying a child, I'd never want to do that myself as it seems like such a painful process! Also there are so many risks to childbirth that would worry me too much! People who go through pregnancy are really brave and incredible (most of the time, anyways). 

9. Talk about money. Is it important to you to provide for a family financially if you choose to have one? Is it important to you that you earn more than any partner you may have? Do you prefer to pay for things like dates? Are you uncomfortable when others pay for you or offer to pay for you?

I feel like it is quite important to financially provide for a family you've chosen to have if you can. If you've chosen to have a family and you have enough money to provide for them, I can't think of any good reason at all as to why you shouldn't provide for your family.

To me, it's not at all important to me how much any partner I may have earns, as long as I'm not with them only for money and vice versa. If I were to go on dates with this partner (or just on a date in general) I would prefer to pay, but the kind of dates I would like wouldn't involve much money, the majority of times. I'll usually only accept an offer for someone to pay for me if it's something I need (such as food or drink) and if the person offering is a close friend. I also always try to remember to pay it back as soon as possible, or at least return the favour. If someone offers to pay for me, I find that very kind and considerate.

10. Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

Yes, there is. As a non-binary person, in the past I have often experienced doubts about the validity of my gender identity. I have to remind myself that my gender is real. I feel these ways for a reason. I just have to go back and remind myself what made me realise I was agender in the first place.

Another thing I'd like to share is another doubt I have about my gender identity. Being trans-masculine and agender can bring up some self-doubt. "Am I really agender if I want to be more masculine?" The answer is yes! And the same goes if you want to be feminine! Gender expression and gender identity may be closely linked for many, but they are still separate! For anyone having the same doubts, I'd recommend two YouTubers to you: AJ Clementine and ChandlerNWilson. AJ Clementine no longer identifies as agender, but for a while that label fit her and she's made some really helpful videos for agender people who are trans-feminine that could also be helpful for trans-masculine agender people.

This reminds me of another issue; I sometimes worry that when I start making bigger leaps in my transition, such as starting testosterone and getting top surgery, I'll no longer feel agender. There's nothing to worry about with this at all! Gender identity can change! There's absolutely nothing wrong if you start getting different feelings about your gender! Also, it's not something that will definitely happen. It's just happened to a few agender people before. It can even take years into your transition to no longer identify as agender (AJ is an example of this). Just be aware that if you start to get changing feelings towards your gender identity when you start transitioning, then there's nothing to worry about and it's perfectly normal. There's nothing wrong with you!

One last thing I'd like to share is that I love dresses! However, wearing them right now can make me incredibly dysphoric. One thing I'm looking forward to in the future is hopefully wearing dresses once in a while! 

This gender tag was very enjoyable to do as it really made me think and allowed me to organise my thoughts on a few things. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Please contact me if there are any other tags you'd like me to do. Thank you for reading and goodbye until next time! ~Jay

3 Songs I'd Recommend

I'm going to start recommending songs every now and then. These three songs are always great to hear:

1. Rise by Skillet

This song is very inspirational. It's a good song to listen to when it feels like the world's against you.
"As hope burns, we rise from the ashes!"

2. Land Of Confusion by Disturbed (Cover)

Both the animation and the music are absolutely stunning. Genesis' lyrics have a deep and powerful meaning, which is really reflected in Disturbed's music video.

3. If You Tolerate This Your Children Will Be Next by Manic Street Preachers

I've been listening to this song (and this band) my entire life and it's amazing every time I listen to it. The theme of the song is the Spanish Civil War and the rather long title is inspired by a poster showing a child being killed under a sky of bombers. This song has an important message and a beautiful sound.

Thank you for reading and goodbye until next time! ~Jay