Spectrum Binders - A Review

In May 2018, I bought a new binder from a UK-based binder company called Spectrum. Initially, I chose the medium size in white but this turned out to be too big for me when it arrived. Luckily, they have a free returns policy and I got a new one sent out in the next size down and this one fit perfectly. I bought the same size again one year later, except in a skin colour this time. The binder is fairly comfortable (well, for a binder it is! 😂) and it is quite effective at flattening my chest. The back and shoulder strap materials are breathable, which is a relief during summer. Here's a summary of the features:

• Made out of three materials: thick cotton on the front for binding; lycra on the back and shoulder straps to allow for your chest to expand as you breath; and a nylon mesh on the back which helps the cotton on the front to bind while still stretching to allow for breathing. 
• The materials are eco-friendly as they're made out of recycled material.
• The sewing is fairly good quality. I noticed the back-stitching starting to come undone on the front right shoulder strap a year into wearing my first binder (the white one), but this is probably because I'm not very careful with it when I take the binder off.  Besides that, the stitching has been rather reliable. Both binders are still in good condition after 1&2 years of use.
• The binders to begin to lose their binding ability after a year of constant use but they still flatten my chest to an acceptable level. 
• The price is similar to those of many other binders available. I'd say the price is fairly reasonable.
• Unfortunately they only currently have short binders. Personally, this doesn't affect me greatly but if you prefer full length binders then you're out of luck right now. 
• The binders come in a range of colours - the standard black, white, grey and 3 different skin colours. There's also a blue, a red and a lilac option. There has been a light green option in the past, however this is currently unavailable.

Overall, I'd definitely recommend Spectrum binders - especially if you live in the UK. Their binders are high-quality, well-made and effective. I'll definitely be buying a third one of their binders whenever I need a new one.

Thank you for reading and goodbye until next time! ~Jay

The Gender Tag

This is a popular tag, and quite an interesting one! So, I thought I'd give it a try! 

1. How do you self-identify your gender, and what does that definition mean to you?

I identify as agender. To me, this means I don't feel that identifying as man, woman or any other gender fits me. I do wish to have a masculine appearance and I'd be more comfortable with male secondary sex characteristics. However, this doesn't make me a man. I feel like the term 'trans-masculine' fits me, due to wanting to transition to a more masculine body type. For any of you who don' know or are unsure on what 'trans-masculine' means, it means anyone who wants to or has transition(ed) to become more masculine. These people can be anywhere from 100% male trans men to demiboys/demimen* to people like me who aren't men but are happier in a body with male secondary sex characteristics.

*People who identify as men but aren't 100% men. They may fluctuate between feeling genderless and feeling male, or they may feel consistently somewhere between male and genderless (eg. they feel about 3/4 male and 1/4 almost all the time)

2. What pronouns honour you?

They/them are the most fitting for me. I'm comfortable with he/him, but it doesn't feel as fitting as they/them. I haven't found any other pronouns that I'm comfortable with.

3. Describe the style of clothing that you most often wear.

I wear all sorts of clothing! Mostly I buy cheap clothing (and by that, I mean low-priced) but sometimes I'll treat myself to something slightly more expensive (such as a brand new hoodie!). I usually wear t-shirts, often short-sleeved ones. Occasionally I wear a shirt or a polo shirt. I really like shirts and polo shirts! I don't have much to wear on my legs. Up until this Sunday, I only had a pair of jeans and three pairs of shorts. I also have two pairs of tracksuit bottoms, but one pair is very old and the other pair used to be part of my PE uniform! This Sunday I found a pair of vertically-striped beige trouser, which are very comfortable, for £3! They fit me (almost) perfectly and will be perfect to wear during winter. 

When it comes to colour, my clothes are very varied. I wear many shades of blue and green. I also have several camouflage items (due to my love of Manic Street Preachers) I wear light colours, medium colours, dark colours, warm colours, cool colours, all sorts of colours! I wear plenty of black and grey clothing, too. Wearing white tops is nice, but they're so easy to get dirty! I usually get a stain on a white t-shirt within thirty minutes o putting it on! 

A lot of my clothing inspiration comes from Manic Street Preachers. I have several camo tops, camo hats, camo socks, camo shorts, and a camo jacket! This is inspired from their 1994 style. I also have a leopard-print felt skirt, but I don't wear it. I'm planning on wearing it WHEN (not IF) I go to a manics concert. It was super comfy when I tried it on! I also have a t-shirt which I wrote a quote from the song 'Faster' on. I have never bought myself any manics merch shirts, but my father found two that he no longer wore and gave them to me. One of them is at least two sizes too big and has paint splashes on it, but that just makes it more fashionable...right? It kind of does suit how the band stands for working class values, though. 

4. Talk about your choices with body hair. How do you style your hair? Do you have facial hair? What do you choose to shave, or choose not to shave?

I have rather long hair -- long enough for people sitting next to me to sit on! That happened once near the start of Year 10, and I've kept growing it since then. Because of the way I style my hair, however, it doesn't always seem that way! I have a fringe cut in a way so that my hair appears to be a short length. I remember once in Year 11 (I'm currently in y12) my Biology teacher was shocked as I walked into the classroom because he thought I'd cut all of my hair off. I am considering cutting my hair of to donate to charity at the end of Year 13, but I'm not sure if I could manage parting with my long hair (no pun intended...okay, maybe slightly intended). I have nearly two years to decide though, so I don't have to make a decision any time soon! 

As for facial hair, I don't really have much. I have a very sparse mustache, but it's not hugely noticeable -- just several dark hairs. I like it, though. My eyebrows are left to do their own thing. I don't pluck or shave them, or even flatten them down when they're all over the place. 

I have shaved my legs and arms a few times in the past, because I believed the misconception that this would make the hair grow quicker/longer. I wanted longer arm and leg hair because I wanted it to keep me warm in the winter! The few times I did shave made my arms and legs sore and itchy, which wasn't great! Nowadays I don't shave any hair off of me. I only cut my fringe!

5. Talk about cosmetics. Do you choose to wear makeup? Do you paint your nails? What types of soaps and perfumes do you use if any?

I do have some black makeup, but those are for having fun with and wearing indoors. MUA do a really good black lipstick for only £1! They also do an amazing black eyeshadow for the same price! To me, makeup is more of a fun and artistic thing. Sometimes I use a contour kit I picked up at Poundland to have a practice at drag king makeup. The results aren't always superb but it's always lots of fun! I also like adding lots of glitter to my drag makeup! I absolutely adore glitter!

Right now as I am typing this, my nails are painted a glossy jet black. I love painting my nails as it can be super fun! Also, I love the shiny and sometimes sparkly results! Now that I'm in sixth form, I can wear nail polish to school if I'd like. However, I have to make sure my nail varnish doesn't clash with blue (the colour of my suit)  or whatever colour my shirt and tie are. Black is quite a safe colour as it can go with anything.

Usually I get deodorant sprays from Wilko's for 50p. They smell nice and are quite affordable. I use them sparingly though, as they are spray cans. My favourite perfume is and has been Davidoff Cool Water for years. Finally, this May, it was my birthday AND Cool Water was on sale for £12! That's quite a bit of money to spend just for me to smell nice, but it was my birthday and with how good it smell, it was worth it.

6. Have you experienced being misgendered? If so, how often?

I am almost always misgendered, really. I doubt anyone has ever looked at me and though "hey, I think they must be agender!" I have had several incidents where I've been called 'Sir' or referred to by strangers as he/him. I've also heard a young child say "I think it's a girl" as I've 

7. Do you experience dysphoria? How does that affect you?

Yes, I definitely do...Sometimes it's not that strong. I just get a bit of a "hey, that's not right. It shouldn't be like that." kind of feeling that doesn't bother me. Other times it can really bother me and I can feel very uncomfortable. Whenever it gets too bad I try different methods of coping to stop it spiraling out of control. I'd rather extend on this in a separate blog post as it's a very important issue and will need a lot of thinking over. That post will probably be a very long post, unless it's too difficult for me to write.

8. Talk about children. Are you interested in having children? Would you want to carry a child if that were an option for you? Do you want to be the primary caretaker for any children you may have?

I'm not interested in having any children of my own at all. I'm considering possibly adopting an older child at some point (12-16 year old kind of age range) I think this will be more manageable for me and won't be too much for me to cope with. Children have less chance of being adopted as they get older, so that's another incentive for me. I also would love to be able to help any of my friends who have kids in raising their children. It'd be great to be able to make sure my friends' children are surrounded by people who love and care for them.

As for carrying a child, I'd never want to do that myself as it seems like such a painful process! Also there are so many risks to childbirth that would worry me too much! People who go through pregnancy are really brave and incredible (most of the time, anyways). 

9. Talk about money. Is it important to you to provide for a family financially if you choose to have one? Is it important to you that you earn more than any partner you may have? Do you prefer to pay for things like dates? Are you uncomfortable when others pay for you or offer to pay for you?

I feel like it is quite important to financially provide for a family you've chosen to have if you can. If you've chosen to have a family and you have enough money to provide for them, I can't think of any good reason at all as to why you shouldn't provide for your family.

To me, it's not at all important to me how much any partner I may have earns, as long as I'm not with them only for money and vice versa. If I were to go on dates with this partner (or just on a date in general) I would prefer to pay, but the kind of dates I would like wouldn't involve much money, the majority of times. I'll usually only accept an offer for someone to pay for me if it's something I need (such as food or drink) and if the person offering is a close friend. I also always try to remember to pay it back as soon as possible, or at least return the favour. If someone offers to pay for me, I find that very kind and considerate.

10. Anything else you want to share about your experience with gender?

Yes, there is. As a non-binary person, in the past I have often experienced doubts about the validity of my gender identity. I have to remind myself that my gender is real. I feel these ways for a reason. I just have to go back and remind myself what made me realise I was agender in the first place.

Another thing I'd like to share is another doubt I have about my gender identity. Being trans-masculine and agender can bring up some self-doubt. "Am I really agender if I want to be more masculine?" The answer is yes! And the same goes if you want to be feminine! Gender expression and gender identity may be closely linked for many, but they are still separate! For anyone having the same doubts, I'd recommend two YouTubers to you: AJ Clementine and ChandlerNWilson. AJ Clementine no longer identifies as agender, but for a while that label fit her and she's made some really helpful videos for agender people who are trans-feminine that could also be helpful for trans-masculine agender people.

This reminds me of another issue; I sometimes worry that when I start making bigger leaps in my transition, such as starting testosterone and getting top surgery, I'll no longer feel agender. There's nothing to worry about with this at all! Gender identity can change! There's absolutely nothing wrong if you start getting different feelings about your gender! Also, it's not something that will definitely happen. It's just happened to a few agender people before. It can even take years into your transition to no longer identify as agender (AJ is an example of this). Just be aware that if you start to get changing feelings towards your gender identity when you start transitioning, then there's nothing to worry about and it's perfectly normal. There's nothing wrong with you!

One last thing I'd like to share is that I love dresses! However, wearing them right now can make me incredibly dysphoric. One thing I'm looking forward to in the future is hopefully wearing dresses once in a while! 

This gender tag was very enjoyable to do as it really made me think and allowed me to organise my thoughts on a few things. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Please contact me if there are any other tags you'd like me to do. Thank you for reading and goodbye until next time! ~Jay

My Gender Experiences Pt.2

This time I'm going to talk about my gender identity in the past and how I discovered my gender identity.

I'm an AFAB (that means I was assigned female at birth). Growing up, I never questioned whether my gender was different from what I was assigned. However, as long as I can remember I've known there was something 'different'. I always just put it down to me being weird. I was always a little isolated from other people. I had friends and I wasn't lonely, but a lot of my childhood memories are of me on my own. I think this is why I don't recall having any strong gender stereotypes imposed on me whilst growing up.

This has just reminded me of the time that my mum bought me some new pajamas. My mum realised once giving them to me that she'd accidentally picked them up from the "boy's" section. She didn't take them back or give them away. She just said something along the lines of, "Oh well!"

This isn't the only example of not following strict gender roles that I have. I've always had a mixture of male and female friends, and growing up I wasn't restricted in what toys I could play with. I used to have a lot of toy cars. One of my favourites was an old model of Ferrari which had openable front doors and headlights that could be flipped up. I was more interested in nature documentaries and science books than I was toys growing up, both of which aren't really the sort of thing people would associate with being for one gender or the other.

During my early teenage years (12-14) I still had that feeling of being 'weird' but I now felt 'different', too. I was the sort of person who would share "I'm not like other girls!" posts on Google+. Spoiler alert: That's because I'm not a girl! Another type of post I used to share was those "Option A or Option B" things. One of them said "Tomboy or Girly Girl." My answer to that one was that I definitely wasn't a girly girl but I wasn't really a tomboy.

When I was 14, I met a new friend. After several months of getting to know this new friend, they came out to me as genderfluid at the same time as a few other people from my school. They explained to me what genderfluid meant. I didn't relate to this term myself but this was basically the start of me figuring out that I was part of the LGBT+ community. A week or two later, this friend suggested that I get an Instagram account, so I did. Because the first person I followed was my genderfluid friend, this meant that Instagram suggested LGBT+ pages to me. This was when I first started properly learning about the trans community.

I started finding more trans people via Instagram and learning about what it feels like to be trans. YouTube became a source of education on trans topics around about late February 2016. I related to trans men quite a lot. After considering my gender for quite a few weeks, I finally came to the conclusion late at night that I was a trans man. Five minutes later, I had doubts!For the next few weeks, I was rather confused, uncomfortable and unhappy. I related a lot to trans men, but calling myself a man just didn't seem to fit, as much as I wanted it to. I even considered whether I was genderfluid, but I knew I wasn't because I didn't feel like my gender was fluid at all. Luckily, I stumbled across a few videos on YouTube about being non-binary. I can't remember who made the video but I remember them saying that you can transition and be non-binary. This struck a chord with me. I could identify as non-binary and yet still transition like I felt I wanted to. I discovered that some non-binary trans people could have the same feelings as binary trans people, yet still identify as non-binary.

This discovery was quite a relief for me. All the 'weird' feelings I'd had within the past few years started making sense. It was great to have a label. Eventually I realised my gender identity was agender (genderless or gender-neutral). I knew that it was okay for me to want to transition and not have to identify as a binary (or even non-binary) trans man.

Over the past two years, I have doubted my identity at times. Upon addressing these feelings, however, I always realise that these doubts were caused by me thinking too much about what other people may think about trans and non-binary people. One day, I might make a post in this series about self-doubt and how I overcome it.

This post is a brief overview of my gender identity in the past and discovering my identity. I plan to make more detailed posts on certain topics to do with my past and discovering my gender identity, such as dysphoria, self-doubt and how my gender expression has changed. Thank you for reading and goodbye until next time!
~Jay

My Gender Experiences Pt.1

This is part one of my posts relating to my gender, my experiences with gender and my feelings towards gender. There's a lot for me to say on this topic, so expect a lot more posts on this in the future! I think in this post I'll keep it short(ish) and simple, seeing as it's my first post on this topic.

Okay, so to start of, my gender identity is agender. For any of you who have never come across this term before, here's a definition:

Agender is a term which can be literally translated as 'without gender'. It can be seen either as a non-binary gender identity or as a statement of not having a gender identity. (source: Gender Wiki)

Some people may not understand how I can feel this way. They may not understand how someone could feel anything other that male or female. Sometimes I start to doubt myself and think "maybe I am just male/female" but when I think about my connection with these two genders, they don't really fit me. I try thinking of myself as a male and some parts of that do kind of fit me...but I really wouldn't feel comfortable identifying as male, and I feel the same with identifying as female. I've found that a good way to describe this is as a disconnection to gender. I just don't understand gender, in some sense.

If you have any questions on this, please ask in the comments section! Thank you for reading and goodbye until next time! :) ~Jay